Oh man…this one’s going to be personal. Ugh. Yet, I shall press forward and share because I know the value of vulnerability. Ready? Jumping in…
Recently I’ve been feeling like Father has been saying, “You and me, Babe. Just you and me.” I know this is Him calling, Him chasing, Him craving more time with me. And while yes, this is heartwarming, loving, and precious to me it is also hard. I’m an enneagram 7, in other words, easily distracted and always looking for something, or someone, to entertain me. I’m always game for the next thing to do, person to hang with, or adventure to go on.
So, I block out a week, tell everyone to leave me alone, and go “hide out” to make sure I can really give the time and focus and energy needed. I happened upon a beach and took a long walk, mind you this was already part way into the week. I had already been giving time to scripture and prayer and worship.
Back story here that you need: I’ve been having a few headaches and a lot of neck pain and back pain. It has felt like everything has been in some sort of frozen, guarded, armor stance. I could relax after a massage or chiro adjustment for about 3 hours and then my body would stiffen again like a dutiful soldier on 24-7 watch. I’ve been praying about this and pulling on the healing provided for me 2000 years ago by Jesus. I wasn’t seeing any real progress – slight bits here and there.
Back on the beach now: I was telling Father how perfect His creation is, truly admiring Him for the great skill and talent of creating something SO PERFECTLY PERFECT. I’m in love with this place, and it was His hand that created it all. His Glory is here. I was brought to tears by the beauty of it; the gentle flowing in and out of the water, the way the sand swept in and out blending with the blue liquid, and the suns light beaming through the oceans flow. The softness and gentleness of it all struck my heart. I found myself apologizing to Father for being a butt, for being so hard to connect with this last while because I’ve been so distracted. I’ve been the opposite of the scene I was in the middle of. I’ve been hard, distant, closed, guarded, self-protective. This moment in nature, on the contrary, was soft, gentle, inviting, open.
The flash of understanding that jumped into my soul in this moment brought even more tears. OOOHHHH! My hardness wasn’t working. My body can’t handle the “needed” constant armor to keep up. There is POWER in softness, STRENGTH in beauty. No wonder I felt so far away, needed to be filled from the outside in, felt unable to surrender, couldn’t be at peace, my neck and back weighted down with this armor. When I think I have to care for myself – everything goes straight down the crapper.
So many answers came running into my soul in such a simple moment. Father speaks through nature and I gained restoration in His words. There is POWER in softness and STRENGTH in beauty. I have so much more to understand here, so much more to gain. But the main lesson I heard from His heart to mine today was this: self-protection doesn’t work. There is strength in softness and surrender.
Stay tuned…we’ll finish this later this month. After I’ve had more time to sit with it. And…we’ll talk about surrender and when it isn’t good and how to “fight” when its needed.
Be vulnerable my friends, be vulnerable.
Love to you.